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When their feelings are bigger than you've got left

17 min read

A boy sits on the floor overwhelmed in a big feeling while his mother sits nearby on the sofa, depleted and running on empty.
When their feeling is biggest, your tank is often lowest — the mismatch, not a lack of love.

The short version, first

Three things are true when their feelings are bigger than you've got left:

  1. Little kids can't bring a big feeling back down on their own yet. They borrow the calm from a steadier adult — they lean on you to come back down, until one day they can do it themselves.
  1. Lending your calm costs fuel. And the tank is usually lowest at exactly the hour their feelings are biggest — the end of the day, everyone empty, everyone needing something.
  1. When there's nothing left in you to meet a huge feeling, that's not you not caring. It's an empty tank. Those are two different things — and only one of them is a fixed fact about you.

That's the short version. Here's what's underneath it.

The rest of this guide is for members

You've just read the short version. The rest goes underneath it — what's really going on, what helps, and one small thing to try this week, in plain language for the brain you actually have. Members get the whole library: a guide for every hard moment, with new ones added over time.

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